Jokes

Lots of people have sent humor into thedebriefing.net

Jokes are good.

However, even though it breaches codes of political correctness, jokes are often pointing the finger at some practise or area of group identity. No offense is intended. Post your jokes here.

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A Baptism

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk shouts,
“Yes, I am.”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies,
“No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, brother?”

The drunk answers,
“No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

 

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Sophistry Pulpits 

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Enhance your performance, increase your influence, extract more revenue !

 

“The Space Odyssey “

 

Specially suited for brain atrophied Gen Y audiences

 

Special features:

Direct link to your bank account, congregation can transfer their free will tithes and offerings using their I – phone or cortical RFID chip.

Music presets, including minor key cadenzas  for altar calls, have been shown to increase conversion rates, and offerings !

Dial a sermon App, can deliver a scrolling sermon on any subject, which

can be easily read, with google glasses,  enabling the preacher to look directly at the congregation, allowing constant eye contact. No need to ever prepare a sermon ever again

Psychological effect presets, for example: ‘ Allegro”  mood for weddings, ‘ tristezza” mood for funerals. Select your parameters for maximum appeal, for example add “ funniness”, ‘ intellectuality” grades 1 to 10.

Turbo setting “ guilt +++” for sermons on ‘ giving’.

 

Also has plug in  foot massaging option.

 

“ The Bastion”

Crafted for older demented  audiences, in God’s waiting room !

Suited to the nostalgic congregation that believes that church should never change, and that ‘the old days are best.’

Low frequency echo effect, guaranteed to create an atmosphere of spirituality and inspire audiences to utter subliminal  holy ‘mms’ and ‘ ahhs’ and ‘ amens’

Has an option for a package with the “ megalith” pipe organ.

Multicultural and Pluralistic Capability for example, is gay non offensive, and gender neutral.

Can be ‘islamized’ for Mosques, or for future church to mosque conversion.

 

Handcrafted  in China

 

Order multiple pulpits and obtain a 10% discount, for a tax deductible ‘ tithe’

 

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HOW DRY IS IT IN TEXAS?

 

• It’s  so dry in South Texas that the Baptists arestarting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are  giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to  turn back into water.

Now THAT’s Dry

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HISTORY of WARFARE : SCOTLAND vs ENGLAND

CONQUER THE SCOTS…

Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield, there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill, a short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt. ‘Hammer O the Scots?’ yells the wee Scottish guy on the hill.’ Come up here, ya English bastards, and I’ll give ye a hammerin’!’

Edward  turns to his commander. ‘Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says.

The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman. 

Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. ‘Ya English diddies!’ he yells. ‘Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I’ll have ye all!’

Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. ‘Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!’   The commander sends 100 men over the hill to do the job. 

Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn. ‘Ya English SCUM!’ he yells. ‘I’m just warming up!! Come and get me, ya English shite!!’

Edward loses patience. ‘Commander, take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!’ he yells.   The commander gulps, but leads four  hundred  men on horseback over the crest of the hill. 

Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn,  his face is covered in blood, snot and irn-bru. ‘Is that the best ye can do??? You’re bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go ya bunch of English Shite!!!’ he yells.

Edward turns to his second in command. ‘Take 1,000 men over that hill and don’t come back ’til you’ve killed him!’ he commands.    The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. 

A while later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He’s covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. ‘Your Majesty!’ he yells,   

‘It’s a trap! There’s two of them!’

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RELIGIOUS EDUCATION IN SCHOOLS

• From Australia

• A new school inspector is assigned
  to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools in Perth metro area.He is introduced to the class by the teacher, Miss Wendy.She says to the class: “Let’s show the inspector just how clever you are
  by allowing him to ask you a question.”The inspector decides to ask a biblical question.He asks: “Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?”For a full minute there is absolute silence.  The children all just stare
  at him blankly.Eventually Johnny raises his hand.  The Inspector points excitedly to him.Johnny stands up and says: “Sir, I don’t know who broke down the walls of
  Jericho, but it wasn’t me.”The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation. She says: Well, I’ve
  known Johnny since the beginning of the year and I believe that if he says that
  he didn’t do it, then he didn’t do it.”The inspector is shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down to the
  principal’s office and tells him what happened.

  The principal replies: “Look I don’t know the boy, but I socialise every
  now and then with his teacher and I believe her.  If she feels that the
  boy was not involved, then he must be innocent.”

  The inspector can’t believe what he is hearing.  He grabs the phone on the
  principal’s desk and dials the Minister of Education.  He relates the
  entire episode and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the
  school.

  The Minister sighs heavily and replies: “Oh dear.  You know I am very
  busy.  I don’t know the boy, the teacher or the principal.  Just get
  three quotes and I’ll have my brother fix the wall.”

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Another one

• A small boy writes a letter to God.”Dear God, why do you let bad things happen in our
  schools?”God replies, “Dear Son, I am not allowed in your
  schools.”

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THE PARABLES OF PERSISTENCE

From somewhere

• “God Loves Drunks Too”A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
  door.The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
  “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3 in the morning!”
  He slams the door and returns to bed.
  “Who was that?” asked his wife..
  “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it’s 3 in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!  God loves drunk people too you know.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk..

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CLERICS WITH CHILDREN

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed that he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many.”

The boy said, “My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!”

The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

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